5 Stages
by MxKoli
Summary: Prologue set during/immediately after "The Longest Night of Rain", the aftermath of Ed Tucker's death. Rated for content and language. #RIPEdTucker
1. Loss

**After the episode _The Longest Night of Rain_, I knew this is the way this story needed to go. It was going to be totally different until the last 15 minutes of the episode. If you haven't watched the episode yet, I strongly suggest watching it before reading this story, as there is a major spoiler in here. If you have seen the episode and are reading this, get some tissues. I apologize for any ****grammatical errors I missed. I've been crying for two and a half hours. Obvious trigger warnings for death and suicide.**

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Olivia walked into Tucker's retirement party, a knot in her stomach. She noticed her squad was there and she wanted to cry. She had support and then she saw him. And a woman. "Who's that… with Tucker?" She asked, tears caught in her throat.

Amanda looked at her, then at Tucker and the redhead at his side. "Um, that's… that's his new wife. They eloped… last month."

Olivia gave a nod. "Good for him. Excuse me." She walked outside and rested against the brick wall of the bar, letting out a breath. She took out her phone and scrolled through her contacts, putting them phone to her ear. "I need a favor. I need you."

The man on the other end of the phone furrowed his brow. "Is this a booty call?"

She shook her head. "No, I— not what I mean. Um, how far away are you from the bar on 56th and 8th?"

He gave a small smile. "I can be there in five. So, I'm not the booty call, I'm the boyfriend."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Just… come. Please? It's… it's Ed Tucker's retirement party. I haven't seen him since we broke up… two years ago. And… and he's married now. I'm doing everything I can to keep it together, but I'm so close to breaking down and I… I need you, okay? I need my boyfriend. Just… please?"

He nodded. "Liv, I was on my way when I told you I'd be there in five. I'll get there as soon as I can, okay. Hang in there. I've got you."

She let out a breath. "I owe you a better date. I'm outside the bar, until you get here. I… I can't go back in there," her voice was full of emotion, he could hear her pain.

He got out of the cab after throwing a twenty through the window. "Breathe, Liv. Take a breath. I'm almost there." And sure enough within minutes he came running up to the bar, seeing Olivia outside. He ran up to her and pulled her into a hug. "I'm here" he whispered.

Olivia relaxed into his embrace. "Thank you. God, thank you." She pulled away and wiped her eyes. "Let's um… let's go inside." She took his arm and walked inside with him, smiling at her squad, seeing their confused faces, and she simply winked. They moved to get in line to congratulate Tucker. She looked up at the man on her arm. "I appreciate this. I owe you, seriously," she whispered.

He looked down at her and smirked. "My pleasure."

The couple reached Tucker and his new wife. Tucker looked at them. "Olivia, Counselor." He nodded. "Thank you for coming."

Olivia forced a smile. "Well, congratulations. On the retirement and on getting married. Looks like you got what you wanted. Someone to smell the roses with, someone you can trust."

The man at Olivia's side moved his hand to her back and subtly rubbed it. "Congratulations, Tucker. You earned it."

Tucker nodded. "Thank you. Please, eat, drink, and be merry."

Olivia smiled and moved along and nestled herself with her date away from prying eyes and she felt the tears well up in her eyes. "That was torture." She wiped at her eyes and shook her head. "I shouldn't be crying. But… I've never been in this situation before." She let out a pathetic, humorless laugh. "This hurts." She looked up into the green eyes staring back at her. "I'm sorry, I should at least make sure you're having a good time."

He lifted her chin and wiped her eyes. "Hey, breathe for me."

She nodded and took a deep breath, composing herself. "Thanks, Trevor." She caressed his face before giving him a soft peck on the cheek. She took his hand. "I'm a mess tonight," she shook her head and looked past Trevor. "I'm sorry. I know I said date, not a therapy session." She wiped her eyes. "I'm a pretty awful date, huh?"

He wrapped her in his arms and shook his head. "Not at all." He let her cry into his chest. "It's alright. Look at me."

Olivia looked up at him, feeling him wipe her tears away. "What?"

Trevor smiled. "Tucker downgraded." He heard her chuckle. "Seriously, she's nowhere near as beautiful as you." They heard her shrill laugh from across the room. "And her laugh is… a lot."

She let out a small laugh. "That isn't nice. Putting her down shouldn't make me feel better." She let out a breath. "I suppose all I can do is move forward." She looked up at Trevor. "You know… I regret one thing, now more than ever." She rolled her eyes. "And I probably shouldn't even tell you this because you're my… you're my date and… my boyfriend, so I should probably stop talking about my ex—"

He kissed her forehead. "Hey, you can tell me anything. I don't care who it's about."

Olivia looked at him. "I never told Ed I loved him," she wiped her eyes. She let out a breath. "But there was never any chance of us getting back together. When we split…" she took a deep breath. "I could tell when he walked out of my apartment, that he didn't trust me anymore, and without trust there is no love."

Trevor rubbed her back. "Did he tell you that?"

She shook her head. "So many times he'd call me Olivia Margaret. Or Olivia Margaret Benson. It was something I told him that not many people know. And when he left he called me Olivia Benson. Trust and love gone." She shrugged. "But, let's stop talking about my woes and have a drink and…" she took a deep breath. "Make this date a little more fun. And uh… I owe you a better date."

He tucked her hair behind her ear. "There is one thing that could make this date perfect."

Olivia nuzzled into his hand. "What's that?"

Trevor smiled. "This," he whispered and lightly pressed his lips to hers. She let out a gentle moan, and wrapped her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. They got lost in the kiss until they heard a gunshot ring out.

She gasped and looked at him. "Stay here." She grabbed her gun and moved out to the car with the other police officers.

That single shot set off an investigation that had SVU working nearly round the clock, and it led to Tucker revealing a harrowing secret. Brain cancer. Olivia was distraught and isolated herself for the day, not wanting to talk about it. And then she got the news. Ed Tucker was dead. He'd taken his own life and she sat in her office, tears streaming down her face, looking up at the sky. "I'm sorry Ed." She saw Fin come in, he offered to drive her home. "I'll be fine, I just need a minute."

Once he left she dug for the picture of her and Ed in Paris and she smiled, sending a text to Lucy that she'd be a little late, she needed some time to process this. Then she called Trevor. "Trev, hey. I believe I owe you a date. Mind if I come over? I uh… I need you tonight."

Trevor nodded. "Yeah, come on over. My door is always open. Always."

She felt the wind get knocked out of her. "I— Don't say that. Please." She whispered.

He heard the emotion in her voice. "Okay. Come over, I'm here."

Olivia wiped her eyes. "I'm leaving the precinct now. I'll be there soon." She grabbed her things, put her coat on, and walked out of the precinct, walking as fast as she could to Trevor's. She made it to his apartment in fifteen minutes and she knocked on the door, seeing him open the door. "I am so glad to see you," she ran into his arms and sobbed.

Trevor held her. "Hey, shh, shh, shh. Breathe, honey. Talk to me."

She looked up at him, unable to control her sobs. "Tucker killed himself." She sobbed harder and ran to the bathroom and threw up. She rinsed her mouth out and splashed her face with cold water. She walked out of the bathroom. "Sorry," she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm just… I'm in shock and I… I couldn't go home yet." She felt her lip quiver. "I'm sorry. I— I can go."

He wrapped her tight in his arms. "You're not going anywhere. Have your sitter bring Noah here. You're staying here tonight. You're not going through this alone." He kissed her temple.

Olivia closed her eyes. "Thank you. You're so understanding."

Trevor kissed her lips softly. "Olivia, I know you loved him. We have all loved before," he whispered. "And I know that seeing him again felt like gut punch, and now with him gone, you have every right to grieve and mourn. And anyway I can help, I will."

She looked up at him and kissed him gently. "Can, Uh… can we wait to bring Noah over. I need to… I need to take my mind off of it first. Because I'm going to have to tell Noah, and uh… I need some adult time. With you. Preferably naked." She smiled. "I want to get lost in you. I need to get lost and you." She kissed him again. "Please," she begged.

He ran his hand under her shirt. "You're sure?"

Olivia nodded and pulled her shirt off. "Positive." She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him passionately.

Trevor picked her up and carried her into the bedroom, setting her down on the bed. He unbuttoned her pants, taking off her heels and pulled her pants off. "God, you're beautiful."

She arched her back and moaned, taking his shirt off over his head. "Oh, my God, Trevor." She gasped and gripped his shoulders. "Make me forget. Make me feel something else. Anything. Please."

He caressed her face. "I will. I promise. However you want it."

Olivia sat up and took off her bra. "Take the rest of your clothes off. Get inside me, and make love to me."

Trevor stood up and took the rest of his clothes off, seeing her take her panties off. He climbed on top of her and caressed her face. "You're positive. You're emotional and I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage."

She cradled his face in her hands. "Yes, I'm sad, Trevor. I'm devastated. But I need to feel something other than this crushing pain in my chest. Please. I just need something before I have Noah come over and have to tell him one of his favorite people is gone. Before I have to expose him to loss for the first time in his young life. He understands death. He knows his biological father is dead. But he's never lost anyone he knows. And not only do I get to do that, I get to explain suicide to my seven year old." She took a deep breath. "I would never be mad at Ed for being at the end of his rope, and wanting to die with the memories and dignity he had before the cancer ate away at his brain, and he was a shell of the man he once was. But damn it," she started sobbing again.

He rolled off of her and held her tight stroking her hair, tears welling up in his own eyes, her pain overwhelming him. "I've got you. I'm here. Let it out, baby."

Olivia sobbed for what felt like days, but was really only about an hour. "Let me call Lucy, before it gets too late so she can drop Noah off." She searched for her phone and called Lucy. "Lucy," she heard the tears in her voice. "Yeah, I'm okay. Um, I need you to bring Noah over to my boyfriend's house. I'll text the address. And, do me a favor, don't tell him I was crying."

Lucy started getting Noah's things together. "Okay, but Liv, what happened?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Um, I'll tell you when you get here. It's… it's bad, Lucy. And I don't want you hearing it over the phone and crying like I am. I don't want to scare Noah. But I have to tell him too. I just want him to be a kid for a little while longer, you know?"

Lucy nodded. "Okay. Text me the address. We're on our way now." She hung up and got the text Olivia sent with the address. She got Noah and hailed a cab to Trevor's. Within a half an hour they were knocking on Trevor's door.

Olivia opened the door, dressed in one of Trevor's shirts and pajama bottoms. "Sweet boy." She smiled, though a fresh batch of tears started to fall, pulling him into a hug. "Um, come in. Let's sit." She picked Noah up and carried him to the couch, Lucy following. "So, Noah, what I'm going to tell you is sad. And it hurts. And it's okay to be sad or angry or anything you feel okay?" She wiped her eyes and looked at Lucy, nodding. "Noah, do you remember Tucker." She could barely get his name out.

Noah thought for a moment. "Yeah, he took us to Paris."

Olivia smiled and let out a sob. "That's right." She held him close. "Sweetie, Tucker… he was sick. For a long time. Even when he was coming around all the time, and I didn't know. I just found out the other day. He'd gotten sicker, and he was dying." She closed her eyes. "Um, earlier, they found Tucker, and he died."

Noah looked at his mother, tears in his own eyes. "From being sick?"

Olivia looked up at the ceiling. "Noah, this part is really upsetting, okay? But I've talked to a friend of mine who helps me, about how to tell you and he told me to tell you exactly what happened, because it will help you start to grieve." She took a deep breath. "Noah, Tucker took his own life. He shot himself."

Noah looked at her. "Why? Why would he do that?"

Olivia held him closer as he started to cry. "He had cancer, Noah. In his lungs and in his brain. And he knew that soon he was going to lose all his memories and everything that made him the Tucker we knew and loved. And he didn't want that." She rocked him gently and looked over at a crying Lucy. "Come here sweetie."

The three of them held each other and cried. Noah for the loss of his first real father figure, Olivia for the loss of a man she truly loved, and Lucy for the loss of who she considered a friend. Trevor walked out and sat next to Olivia and held her. "Okay, the three of you are going to stay here tonight. You need each other. Lucy, I'll get you something to wear to bed, Noah can sleep in the bed with us, Liv. And Lucy, you can take the guest room." Trevor spoke in a soft voice. The three just nodded.

The road of healing, the road of grief had only just begun. And it was going to be a long one. For all of them.

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**A/N: And that was just the prequel. There are going to be 5 chapters in this, and they're going to be heavy. Also, I did my research about talking about the sensitive topic of death by suicide with children, and from what I read, experts suggest being as honest as possible. So, there's that. Anyway, leave a review. #RIPEdTucker**


	2. Anger

**Back with another chapter. This one was hard, too. I can't seem to write a chapter of this story without breaking down in sobs. Enjoy**

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_"The pact that we made was the ordinary pact_

_of men & women in those days_

_I don't know who we thought we were_  
_that our personalities_  
_could resist the failures of the race_

_Lucky or unlucky, we didn't know_  
_the race had failures of that order_  
_and that we were going to share them_

_Like everybody else, we thought of ourselves as special_

_Your body is as vivid to me_  
_as it ever was: even more_

_since my feeling for it is clearer:_  
_I know what it could and could not do_

_it is no longer_  
_the body of a god_  
_or anything with power over my life_

_Next year it would have been 20 years_  
_and you are wastefully dead_  
_who might have made the leap_  
_we talked, too late, of making_

_which I live now_  
_not as a leap_  
_but a succession of brief, amazing movements_

_each one making possible the next"  
-Adrienne Rich, From a Survivor_

Olivia stood at the mirror, applying light, natural makeup and fixing her hair, pulling it back into a classy chignon. She was in a black, strapless bra and black panties. She saw Trevor come in and felt his lips on her neck. "This day is going to suck." She turned in his arms.

Trevor kissed her lips softly. "I know. I'll be right next to you. Lean on me today."

She ran her hands over his chest. "My rock," she whispered and took a deep breath. "Come zip up my dress?" She asked softly.

He kissed her forehead. "Come on."

Olivia led him out to the bedroom and slipped into her dress. It was black, cap sleeved, and was form fitting. She felt him drag the zipper on the back up and kiss the back of her neck. "I don't even want to go to this. I don't want to have to face that… woman. I don't want to have to face. And it's just making me realize he's really gone." She turned to face him.

Trevor held her. "We don't have to go."

She smiled sadly. "Noah needs to say goodbye to his Tucker. And I need to be there for Tucker's mom. We had a good relationship when Tucker and I were together."

He nodded. "Okay, I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

Olivia nodded. "I swear, if his wife is a mess after they eloped, if she has the nerve to act like her pain is the deepest and most important in that room I swear to God, Trevor, I might just slap her."

Trevor ran his hands over her arms. "Hey, she's allowed to grieve too."

She nodded. "Of course, but his mom is going to be there. My son—"

He caressed her face. "You."

Olivia took a deep breath. "I just don't want her making his funeral about her. He was a good man Trevor, he deserves to have his funeral about him. He deserves that much."

Trevor pulled her into him. "He does. And I promise you, I'm there to help however I can."

She nodded and wiped her eyes. "I'm going to go check on Noah, see if he's ready." She slipped into her heels and walked out to go check on Noah, seeing him in the living room. "Hey, sweet boy. You ready?"

Noah looked up at her. "Do think Tucker would have liked this suit?"

Olivia knelt in front of him. "Oh, honey. He'd have loved it. And he'd have shown you how to tie your tie, and shine your shoes." She caressed her son's face, tears in her eyes. "Tucker may not be here anymore, but he loved you so much, and I know that he will always protect you."

Noah looked down at the floor. "I miss him, Mommy. He never got to see me dance."

Olivia nodded and pulled him into a hug. "I know, baby. I miss him, too. But I want you to keep dancing, and he's going to be watching now. Okay? I promise. And you dance your little heart out, and you dedicate your performances to him. Promise me?"

Noah nodded and cried on his mother's shoulder. "Is Gramma Caroline going to be there?"

Olivia smiled and nodded and wiped her eyes. "She will be. And I bet, you are going to be the only one who can make her smile today." She wiped his tears. "And I know she would love one of your special Noah hugs."

Noah nodded. "Okay. Do you think she'll still let me call her Gramma? Even though Tucker isn't here anymore?"

Olivia kissed his forehead. "I'm sure she'd love that, Noah."

Trevor walked out and smiled at Olivia and Noah. "Are we ready?"

Olivia stood up. "As we'll ever be." She wiped her eyes. "Come on, let's go say goodbye to Tucker." She took Noah's hand, feeling Trevor's hand on the small of her back. They walked out and climbed into the town car Trevor called for them. They arrived at the funeral home and she took a deep breath. They walked in and she saw Ed's mother. "Let's go see Gramma Caroline." She looked at Trevor and kissed his cheek. "I'll be back in a moment." She walked over to Caroline and gave her a hug. "Oh, Caroline. I'm so sorry," she whispered and let the older woman cry on her shoulder.

Caroline held her tightly and then saw Noah. "Oh, Noah, look how big you got." She hugged Noah and kissed the top of his head. "I've missed you."

Olivia rubbed her back and met her eyes. "He's out of pain Caroline. Lung cancer… brain cancer…" she wiped Caroline's eyes and smiled sadly. "Those of he left behind, we're hurting, but we'll be okay. Ed'll make sure of it."

Caroline nodded when they heard a loud sob from the other side of the room. "I swear that woman is going to drive me to drink."

Olivia smiled gently. "You mean we weren't going to drink today anyway?"

Ed's wife was nearly inconsolable. "My husband."

Olivia looked at Caroline. "Drive me to drink? She's going to drive me to snap is what she's going to do," she mumbled. "Ask Trevor, I told him if she centered her grief, if she made today about her…"

Caroline held Olivia's hand. "Olivia, I don't know if I've ever told you. But I wanted you to be the one with my ring on your finger. I was going to give it to Ed to propose to you. He never asked. But he did ask for it for her. I wouldn't do it. I don't like her. I don't trust her. I love you like you're one of my own, and I always will."

Olivia looked at Caroline. "How long were they together?"

Caroline rolled her eyes. "Less than three months, before they got married. Between you and me, he didn't love her."

Olivia nodded. "Figured that much," she took a deep breath.

Ed's wife literally threw herself on the closed casket. That was the last straw for Olivia and she snapped, running over to his wife and pulling her off the casket, slapping her. "Stop it! You are not the only one in pain here. Stop acting like yours is the only grief that matters you selfish bitch."

"He was my husband!"

"Congratulations, you got married by Elvis in some wedding chapel in what, Vegas? Did he spring for Vegas, or did he just drive to Atlantic City?"

Trevor ran over and pulled Olivia back and held her back. "Liv, breathe."

"You're making today about you. You're making his funeral about you and Ed Tucker deserved more than that." She fought against Trevor and he held her tighter.

Caroline walked over to her and rested her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Honey, it's okay. Breathe. We got you."

Olivia was shaking and took a deep breath. "I need air." She broke out of Trevor's grasp and walked outside, her chest heaving. She rested against the wall.

Ed's wife went to follow her. "I want her arrested."

Trevor stopped her. "With all due respect, I know your husband just died, but she wasn't wrong. And you know it. Grieve, but realize he had a lot more people who loved him than just you. He loved more people than just you."

Caroline walked over to Trevor once he'd finished talking. "I don't believe we've met, I'm Caroline Tucker. Ed's mom."

Trevor shook her hand. "Trevor Langan. I'm with Olivia. I know it's weird for me, the new boyfriend, to be here, but I know Olivia loved Ed. And I accept that he will always be a part of her, and I love her too. We haven't said it yet, but, uh, she's hard not to love."

Caroline nodded. "That is very true. Do me a favor, Trevor, take care of her and Noah."

Trevor smiled. "Of course. And you will always be family. I may not be your son, but you are family."

Caroline smiled. "Thank you." She turned and saw Noah at the casket. "I'm glad they have you."

Trevor nodded. "I'm glad I can be here for them."

Olivia came in and rested her hand on his back and watched Noah. "Sorry, I guess I'm in the anger stage of grief now." She kissed his cheek. Noah came running over and she picked him up. "You okay, sweet boy?"

Noah nodded and rested his head on her shoulder. "I'm alright. Tired."

Olivia kissed the top of his head. "Go give Gramma a hug, we'll head home and take a nap."

Noah nodded and ran over to Caroline and gave her a hug. "Bye, Gramma Caroline. I love you."

Olivia followed him and smiled. "We're all… we're all tired and I… I should probably get out of here before I get arrested. I'm just going to stop at the casket really quick." She nodded and walked over to the casket, touching the wood lightly. "Oh, Ed. I'm sorry," she whispered and closed her eyes. I told Noah you were going to protect him, especially now. I told him you'd be watching him dance. Don't make a liar out of me." She felt a tear fall from her face and onto the wood. "I love you, Ed. I always will. And uh… I hope you're not mad, but I'm falling in love with Trevor. My heart just keeps getting bigger. Because so many people mean so much to me." She rubbed the wood. "Rest easy, Ed Tucker…" she nodded and walked away wiping her eyes, walking over to Caroline and hugged her. "Don't be a stranger." She looked at the older woman. "I love you, Caroline. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a mom. Seriously, Noah is going to have a recital in a few months, you should come. And come for dinner once in a while?"

Caroline hugged her. "Sweet girl," she smiled. "I'd love to." She wiped her eyes. "You've got a keeper there, with Trevor."

Olivia smiled. "He's pretty great. And um… I have Ed to thank. I don't think… no, I know, I wouldn't have ever been able to accept that I'm good enough for someone, that I deserve love, had it not been for Ed." She hugged Caroline. "Okay, we're going to head out. Call me if you need anything. Anytime, okay?"

Caroline nodded. "Same for you."

Olivia took Noah's hand and they walked out with Trevor, climbing into the town car. She rested her head on Trevor's shoulder. "Thank you for coming with us." She looked into his eyes. "Caroline Tucker likes you."

Trevor kissed her forehead. "She's sweet."

Olivia looked up at him. "So are you," she nuzzled into him. "I'm sorry I snapped. But thank you for not letting me hurt her."

Trevor caressed her face. "You're grieving. Anger is a normal part of the process."

Olivia kissed his palm. "You're the best, baby." She saw the car pull up outside his apartment building and she saw Trevor open the door. She slid out and let Noah out. They walked up as a family and Olivia kicked her shoes off once inside and she kissed Noah's head. "Go get comfy." She watched him walk away and she turned to Trevor and wrapped her arms around him. "Once Noah is sleeping, I want to show you just how much I appreciate everything you did today," she whispered.

Trevor wrapped his arms around her. "You don't have to do that, Liv."

She pushed out of his arms and rushed to the bedroom and slammed the door. She sat against it and rested her head back on it. "Damn it."

He ran over to the bedroom and knocked. "Baby, open up. Please." He didn't get a response. "Liv, talk to me."

Olivia stood up and opened the door. "Am I not good enough for you or something?" She looked away from him. "Do you think I'm gonna break? Or that I'm masking my pain with sex?"

Trevor lifted her chin. "Look at me," he whispered. He saw her lift her eyes. "You are more than good enough. You're too good for me. I know you're not going to break. And I don't think you're masking your pain. I just… I don't want you to think that I expect sex from you for doing something nice."

She shook her head. "You're an idiot." She gave a small smile. "I know you aren't expecting me to give you sex for being you. I want this, Ed—" she stopped and let her jaw drop, seeing the pain wash over his face. "Trev—" she watched him walk away and walk out.

Noah came out of the guest room. "Mom? What happened?"

Olivia had tears running down her face. "I made a stupid mistake," she wiped her eyes. "How about I make something for us to eat?"

Noah looked up at his mom. "Is he coming back?"

Olivia looked at him. "I hope so, baby. I hope so."

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**A/N: Okay, so we have a few more chapters. The poem included in the beginning is from one of my favorite poets, Adrienne Rich, following her ex-husband's suicide (they split about a year before his death). It doesn't fit Tuckson's circumstances exactly, but it's such a powerful poem, I knew that I wanted to include it in this story, even if it isn't the MOST accurate. Anyway, leave a review, and an update to something is coming soon!**


	3. Not One More

**To the guest reviewer who said I was a "rubbish writer" and that the characters were too OOC, a couple things. 1, we don't know that how Olivia is reacting in this story is out of character, because while we've seen her handle death before, we haven't seen her handle so much death in such a short period of time, and we haven't seen her handle the suicide of a man she loved. 2, this is fan FICTION, if we all stuck to strictly cannon, any story that existed would be quite boring and I enjoy exploring characters beyond the 42 minutes of the show we see once a week for 6-ish months out of the year. And finally, I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly that you feel the need to be so completely negative on a story you don't like rather than just clicking off, that you feel the need to lash out at someone and be rude because someone is grieving the loss of a favorite character the only way they know how. **

**In other news, here's chapter three. It's not a defined stage, it's kind of a continuation, picking up where last chapter left off.**

* * *

Olivia lay in bed, it was dark out, Noah was asleep and Trevor still hadn't come back. She took his pillow and hugged it to her chest, crying herself to sleep. She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep but she felt the bed dip and arms wrap around her from behind. She stirred and rolled over, opening her eyes seeing Trevor. "Noah and I can leave in the morning, if you don't want us here anymore," she looked up at him. "I can go sleep on the couch."

Trevor caressed her face and wiped her eyes, seeing tears falling from her eyes. "Hey, you aren't going anywhere. I'm sorry I left for so long. I was a little hurt, but when I cooled off, I realized that we're all exhausted. Physically and emotionally. And we just came home from his funeral. I overreacted and I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

She curled into him and cried, holding onto him with every bit of strength she had in her. "I thought you hated me, I thought you didn't want me anymore." She wiped her eyes. "A week ago if that had happened I wouldn't be this emotional, but I can't keep losing people, Trevor. I hurt. My body, my heart, my mind… everything hurts." She felt his arms around her and she melted into him. "You make me feel so safe," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, Trevor. I didn't mean it. I want you, okay? Just you."

He rubbed her back. "You've got me. As long as you'll have me, you've got me, okay? Breathe."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Hold me? I'm so tired, and I just want you to hold me."

Trevor caressed her face. "Absolutely. But I have one thing I want to do first," he whispered. "Can I kiss you? The way you deserve to be kissed?"

She felt the breath leave her body, she nodded. "Yeah."

He cradled her head in his hands. "I missed you," he whispered, kissing her passionately. He tangled his fingers in her hair and kept the kiss slow, not wanting to move the kiss towards any kind of intimacy if that wasn't what she wanted. He needed to tell her exactly how he felt, and while he couldn't use the words he wanted, he could put every ounce of emotion into the kiss.

Olivia wrapped her arms and legs around him, rolling to her back, pulling him on top of her. "I missed you too," she kissed him again, she needed to feel him. She needed everything he offered her right now and broke the kiss again, staring into his eyes. "Make love to me, Trevor. I need you, in every way I can get you," she whispered and raked her nails over his back. "Please," she begged.

Trevor looked into her eyes and saw a genuine need for him, for the safety he offered, the way he focused so intently on bringing her to the heights of pleasure. "Anything," he whispered and helped her sit up so he could take her shirt off, kissing her again and gingerly laying her back. She moved her hands between them, undoing his pants and pushing them down as best she could, along with his boxers. He moved down her body, kissing her skin along the way, paying special attention to her breasts. He heard her moan and felt her back arch. "Shh. Relax, baby."

She closed her eyes and let his lips continue their journey south. "Trevor," she whispered. His slow pace, as much as he loved how much he paid attention to every inch of her body, was absolute torture. He finally pulled her pajama shorts and panties down her legs, feeling his mouth circle her clit. "Oh, my God!" She let her mouth fall open and she gripped his hair. "Oh, that feels amazing," she closed her eyes.

He pushed his fingers inside her and she gasped. "Yeah, you like that, Liv?"

Olivia rested her fist on her forehead, trying to control the pleasure coursing through her veins. "Oh!" She closed her eyes. "Mmhmm."

Trevor looked up at her. "Come for me, Olivia," he whispered. "Come for me and I promise you, I won't stop until we're both sated."

She held his head in both her hands, her chest heaving, her breath heavy. "I'm so close. Oh, my Go, baby. Don't stop. Please." She gasped.

He moved and kissed her as he moved his fingers in and out of her hard and fast, feeling her clench around him, swallowing her screams of pleasure. He broke the kiss and looked down at her as he slowly pulled his hand away. "God, you're sexy."

Olivia took his hand and brought it to her lips, kissing and sucking his fingers clean, keeping eye contact with him. "I want you inside me, Trevor."

Trevor caressed her face and kissed her passionately, his tongue moving past her lips, breaking the kiss and looking into her eyes as he pushed inside of her, slowly. Both let out a breath. "Oh, baby."

She gripped his shoulders. "Move, baby. God, you feel so good, but I need you to move. Please."

He groaned, getting control of his own pleasure so he could make her feel everything without worrying about finishing too early. He started moving slowly and deliberately. She moaned and arched into him. "Oh, baby. Oh, Liv."

Olivia gasped and let her fingers dig into the skin of his shoulders. "Oh right there!" She kissed his neck, gently biting on the skin. "Faster, Trevor. Faster, harder. Make me come!"

Trevor moved her leg to rest on his shoulder, starting to move faster and harder inside her. "Come on, baby. Oh, I'm so close."

She gasped and let her eyes roll back in her head, feeling the pure ecstasy start to take over. She pulled him into a passionate kiss and flipped them, starting to ride him hard and fast. "Ah!" She cried out and massaged her breasts, feeling the pressure building deep in her belly. "Trevor!" felt his fingers on her clit and she gasped, stopping her movements as she felt her orgasm take over her body. Within moments she felt his release inside her and let out a sigh. "Oh, my God." She closed her eyes, and collapsed on top of him. "Oh my God," she whispered. "Oh, baby that was amazing. You are amazing." She kissed his chest.

His breath was heavy and he rubbed her back. "You're amazing," he whispered and kissed her softly. He rolled them to their sides and kissed her lips softly. "You okay?"

Olivia's eyes lifted to meet his. "Don't leave me again. Don't ever leave me again, okay?" She took his hand and rested their foreheads together. "Please." She ran her thumb over the back of his hand. "If this past week, hell, the past six months, has taught me anything, it's that I can't lose anyone else in my life. My brother, Ed, Rachel Wilson. It's all too much. I can't handle losing anyone else, Trevor."

Trevor caressed her face. "I'm not going to leave you again. I swear. I'm so sorry I walked out earlier."

She gave a small smile. "You know if you were mad you could have asked Noah and I to head home. This is your apartment."

He caressed her face. "And have missed our amorous makeup? Not a chance."

Olivia chuckled. "I feel like I haven't laughed in forever, Trevor. I know Ed and I weren't together and I… I'm with you." She caught herself before she slipped up and said something neither of them were ready for yet, or so she thought. "I know all this, but, it's like I told Caroline at the funeral. Had it not been for Ed Tucker, I wouldn't be able to accept the way you treat me. You treat me like a queen, Trevor, and I never would have thought I was deserving of the way you treat me. Every man I've been in a relationship with has led me to the understanding that I'm good enough, that I deserve to be happy, and that I deserve to have someone treat me like a queen. He was a big part of my life, and so his death is just… hitting me hard. Especially because it was a suicide."

Trevor held her. "I know, baby. I know it's hard, and you are allowed to feel all of this. I will be here to support you, no matter what okay?"

She nuzzled into him and rested her head on his chest. "Okay," she whispered. She listened to his heartbeat and kissed his chest. "Goodnight, Trev." She closed her eyes, and let the steady beating of his heart lull her into a peaceful sleep.

He rubbed her back and looked down at her. "Goodnight, Beautiful," he whispered. He stroked her hair and fell asleep himself within moments.

Olivia woke up first and sat up, looking at Trevor. She kissed his lips softly and slipped out of bed, slipping into her pajamas and one of Trevor's sweatshirts and walked out to the kitchen where she started a pot of coffee. She saw Noah come out of the guest room and she smiled, a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. "Good morning, sweet boy, how'd you sleep?"

Noah looked at his mother. "Okay." He shrugged. "I had a dream last night. About Tucker. " He saw his mother take a breath and fight tears. "He hugged me and he told me he loved me and that he'd always look out for me. Always."

Olivia wiped her eyes and nodded. "Certainly sounds like something he'd say. Noah, you are allowed to have all your feelings. Whether you're sad, or angry, lonely. Whatever you feel, sweet Noah, you're allowed to feel everything. Okay?"

Noah nodded. "I'm kinda mad at him. He shot himself, he wanted to die. I'm sure he must have been scared, but he left us here."

Olivia knelt in front of him and hugged him. "Oh honey. You're allowed to be mad, okay. It's normal. And you can feel mad at him, because I know that this is confusing. But I promise you, he loved you, honey. He wouldn't have done this if he thought there was anything…" she stopped and took a deep breath. "He was really sick, Noah. And the doctors couldn't help him anymore. He was already starting to lose his memory, and if I knew Tucker at all, I know he wouldn't have ever wanted to forget you, sweetheart."

Noah hugged his mother and cried. "I don't want to forget him, mom."

Olivia ran her fingers through his hair. "You won't baby. I'll tell you old stories as much as you want, okay? We'll get some pictures of him. You won't forget him."

Noah looked at his mother and wiped his eyes. "Am I ever going to feel normal again?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "You may never feel like you did before, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to tell you. But you'll adapt to your new normal. We all will."

Noah nodded. "Are you gonna die?"

Olivia let out a breath. "Oh, baby boy. No. I'm not going anywhere. Not anytime soon. I promise. And if I'm sick, I'll tell you okay."

Noah looked at her. "So, our new normal… does that include Trevor?"

Olivia kissed his forehead. "I'd like it to."

Noah nodded. "Do you like him?"

Olivia smiled and kissed his cheek and hugged him. "I do, I like him a lot."

Noah leaned against her. "Are you going to love him more than me?"

Olivia pulled him close. "Noah, I will always love you so much. But… if Trevor and I fall in love, the kind of love that I'll feel for him is going to be a different kind of love than the kind of love I feel for you. You're my son, my child, and that is a special kind of love already. But Trevor… loving someone as a boyfriend or a husband or a lover is totally different. And I can love both of you at the same time. My heart will only grow bigger so I can love you just the same, and I… when and if I fall in love with Trevor, I'll be able to love him too. Okay?"

Noah nodded. "Okay," he looked at her. "Can I go read my book?"

Olivia smiled and kissed his forehead. "Go ahead, sweet boy. I'll work on breakfast." She watched him run off and stood up, seeing Trevor standing there. "How long have you been standing there?"

Trevor walked over to her and kissed her softly. "Somewhere around Noah asking if you like me," he kissed her gently. "For what it's worth, I like you a lot, too." He held her close. "Everything okay?"

Olivia nodded. "Noah had a dream about Tucker last night. He's angry at Tucker for what he did. He's confused, he doesn't understand why he did it. And he's afraid he's going to forget him."

Trevor kissed her softly. "We won't let him."

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**A/N: Thanks for reading, leave a review. I have other updates in the works, but these chapters keep coming faster than I can write them.**


	4. Depression and Bargaining

**Sorry this took so long, its been a crazy week or so. I've been so sick for quite a while, and its just gotten worse. Anyway, enjoy this.**

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Olivia has decided to cash in on some sick days, she was having trouble dealing with everything and didn't want to leave the house. She lay in bed and saw Trevor come in. "I'm fine," she whispered and looked up at him.

Trevor looked at her. "You've barely been out of bed for two days. You haven't been eating."

She sat up and rested against the headboard. "I don't feel good," she couldn't meet his eyes.

He sat next to her. "Let me make you some soup? Maybe run you a bath after, help you get washed up?"

Olivia looked at him. "I'm not a child," she snapped.

Trevor cradled his face in her hands. "You aren't a child, Olivia. You're still grief stricken, and that's okay, but you've got to take care of yourself."

She looked at him and shook her head. "It's my fault. I didn't see it, I could have—"

He pulled her closer and looked into her eyes. "Don't do that to yourself. It is not your fault. It's no one's fault. Tucker knew he was dying, Liv, and he wanted to die with some dignity. It is _not_ your fault. You have to believe that."

Olivia broke down in sobs and fell into his chest. "Why didn't he tell me? He knew he was sick when we were together and he didn't tell me." She felt him pick her up and she cried into his neck.

Trevor rubbed her back. "It's alright. I'm right here. Let it out. I've got you." He kissed the side of her head. "How about we get you in a bath, maybe it'll help you feel better?"

She looked up at him. "Bathe with me?" Her eyes were pleading. "And just, help me and hold me?"

He stood up and carried her to the bathroom. "Anything for you." He set her on the floor and ran the bath, then started helping her undress. Once her clothes were off he undressed, he kissed her forehead. "Okay, I'm going to help wash you, okay? And I'm going to hold you, but nothing else. Not now, okay? You need to take care of you. Get you cleaned up, have you eat, and we'll just lay in bed. You and me, that's it. Lucy has Noah, so all we need to worry about is you."

Olivia nodded. Once the tub was full, Trevor turned off the water and helped her climb in before climbing in himself, holding her. "Am I that hard to talk to?" She asked no one in particular. "Do I just have a sign on my forehead that says 'lie to me' or something?"

Trevor kissed her shoulder. "Liv?"

She rested against him and closed her eyes. "My two most recent exes, Cassidy and Tucker, they both kept something from me. And it wasn't like it was… it wasn't something inconsequential. Both were big things, things you share with someone you love. Cassidy… that's not my story to tell. But Tucker? Tucker knew he had lung cancer before we got together and he didn't say anything. Am I just a terrible person to talk to?"

He held her tighter. "Hey, it wasn't right for them to keep the big stuff from you, you deserve better."

Olivia looked at him. "You wouldn't keep anything from me would you?"

Trevor caressed her face. "Never."

She moved closer to him and kissed him softly, he pulled back. "I know, no sex. I just… can I just kiss you?"

He pulled her in for a sweet kiss, pulling her to straddle him, not to move the kiss along, just so they were both comfortable. He held her tight and broke the kiss gently. "Let me wash your hair? Your body?"

Olivia smiled and blushed. "Yeah." She moved to sit in front of him again and he gently tilted her head back as he poured water over her hair. She felt his fingers massage shampoo into her scalp and she moaned gently. "Oh, you are never getting out of doing this."

Trevor smiled and kissed her neck gently. "Never want to," he whispered. He rinsed her hair, making sure there were no suds left. He then ran the conditioner through her hair. "So beautiful," he whispered, grabbing her body wash. "Stand up, baby. Let me wash you," he whispered.

She gasped at the intimacy of it all. She stood up and saw him stand too, he kissed her lips, starting to wash her shoulders. His hands ran over her chest, she closed her eyes and kept her composure as his hands massaged the soap over her breasts. He knelt down and moved his hands over her abdomen, looking up at her, her head thrown back. "Trev," she whispered.

His hands moved down, gently touching and cleaning as he went along, moving around to grip her ass. He stood up as he washed her back and he kissed her softly. "You're stunning, Olivia. Your skin is so soft."

Olivia looked into his eyes. "Okay, it is so not fair that you turned me on as much as you did just from washing my body and my hair and you're not going to do anything about it." She gave a small chuckle.

Trevor smiled and helped her sit back down, helping her rinse the soap off her body in the parts that weren't quite covered with water. He then rinsed the conditioner out of her hair and kissed her neck. "Not yet," he whispered. "I still have more to do to take care of you."

She felt tears in her eyes. "You are amazing, Trevor Langan," she whispered. "I— you're amazing," she smiled.

He helped her climb out of the tub, climbing out after her, wrapping her in a towel after drying her off. He wrapped a towel around his waist. "How about I pull your hair into a messy bun, make us some food, and after we eat I'll give you a massage, help you relax," he whispered, holding her tightly.

Olivia smiled and looked at him. "That sounds… amazing." She kissed him gently, her arms wrapped around him. "Not to sound redundant," she whispered and cradled his face in her hands. "Let me help you relax, Trev? You've been taking such good care of me, let me take care of you," she whispered and kissed him again, pushing the towel from his hips, her hands running down his chest, shedding her own towel, pressing her body against his.

Trevor broke the kiss and looked into her eyes, caressing her face. "You don't need to, Olivia."

She gave a coy smile. "I know I don't have to. I want to." She felt his lips on her neck and she let out a moan. "Oh, Trevor," she whispered. "Mm." She closed her eyes and relished the feeling of his lips on her skin.

He took her hands and brought her to the bedroom. "Massage first," he whispered and had her lay on her stomach on the bed. He found some massage oil, rubbing it in his hands to warm it up, straddling her hips, starting to massage her shoulders, working the knots out of them. "You're so tight," he whispered, kissing the back of her neck.

Olivia groaned. "That feels so good," she whispered, smiling at the double entendre about her being tight. She felt him move down her back, moving off her hips, picking them up, Olivia looked back at him, feeling his hands knead her ass. "Oh!" She bit her bottom lip. "Trevor," she gasped and buried her head in the mattress. "Oh, my God! Please!" She begged. "I need you," she whined.

Trevor rolled her onto her back and looked into her eyes. "Let me taste you," he whispered.

She sat up and pushed him onto his back. "Let's taste each other, hm?" She straddled his head and leaned over him, licking up his shaft, taking him fully into her mouth.

He groaned and started to suck her clit. She moaned and let him go, something shifted in Olivia, he felt it. He immediately stopped and moved so he could look in her eyes, she was staring through him, looking dazed. "Liv?" He asked and caressed her face. "Liv, baby?" He held her tight and stroked her hair.

Olivia looked up at him a few minutes later. "What happened?"

Trevor held her tighter. "I don't know. We were being intimate and you just kind of… stared off into space. Stared through me."

She hung her head. "I'm sorry, that must have been scary for you."

He kissed her forehead. "What happened there, Liv?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "I um, I dissociated. I should have seen it coming. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, but every now and then…" she shrugged. "Not all the time but um, when I get to a point like I'm at now, when I'm really depressed, I use sex as a defense mechanism. Mainly for myself. I know that loss of libido is a symptom of depression, so in my mind, if I can fake wanting sex, then I'm not depressed, and it doesn't usually end well."

Trevor ran his fingers through her hair. "Oh, baby," he whispered. "I didn't know."

She shook her head. "Don't. I'm not mad at you, I don't blame you. And I am endlessly grateful that you stopped when you realized something was wrong."

He ran his fingers down her back. "I would never," he whispered.

Olivia smiled. "I know." She nuzzled into him. "I'm sorry I didn't say something earlier. I—" she stopped and shook her head. "I'm just used to having to act normal, act functional. I sometimes forget that I'm not alone and I don't have to wear a brave face all of the time."

Trevor kissed the top of her head. "Are you okay?"

She shrugged. "This depression stage of grief is kicking my ass," she closed her eyes and listened to his heart. "I'm a little hungry," she whispered. "I'm exhausted."

He lay down with her and kissed her kiss softly. "How about you rest, I'll make us something to eat, we can eat in here and then I'll hold you while you sleep?"

Olivia caressed his face. "You're too good to me," she whispered and smiled gently. "I'm sorry I scared you," she whispered. "And I'm sorry that I use sex as a coping mechanism. I haven't for a while, I just… I needed some control. Depression… it takes away any control, and I hate that feeling."

Trevor caressed her face. "Don't ever apologize for coping the only way you know how, how about we figure out a way for you to get some healthy coping mechanisms under your belt?"

She nuzzled into him. "I suppose I should make a few more appointments with Lindstrom then, hm?"

He kissed her forehead. "Probably for the best," he whispered. "Come on, let me make you something to eat. Whatever you want."

Olivia smiled. "How about we order in Mexican and cuddle on the couch? I just want to be in your arms as much as possible," she kissed his cheek. "I haven't told you nearly as much as I should, but you… you've been my rock through all of this and I can't thank you enough. When I start thinking I could have and should have done something to help him, to stop him, you're right there to remind me that this isn't my fault. You're there to hold me and kiss me," she whispered. "I don't remember the last time I felt this happy, and this relaxed with a boyfriend." She looked into his eyes. "Not even Tucker. Sure I was happy, but I was tense all the time, thinking it was all going to come crumbling down at my feet because I wasn't giving him enough time because of Noah and my job. It's ultimately what broke us up." She nuzzled into his neck. "But with you… God, Trev, with you… even though I still have Noah and the job, I don't feel like I'm neglecting you."

Trevor kissed the back of her hand and over her palm. "You're not neglecting me. I understand the crazy hours, hell, most of the time, now that you're Captain, you have more predictable hours than I do." He held her close. "Let's go order food, and then I want to hold you. And kiss you. And I never want to stop doing either."

She smiled and straddled him, kissing him softly, climbing off of him. "I never want you to stop doing any of it, Trevor," she whispered, running her fingers gently over his lips. "Never," she kissed just below his ear.

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**A/N: Leave a review, and I'll see you all in the next update.**


	5. Acceptance

**Little bit of a time jump here, as well as a little bit of a dream sequence. Enjoy.**

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Six months after Ed Tucker's death, Olivia lay in bed, her head on Trevor's chest, sleeping soundly as a dream flashed behind her eyelids.

_She walked towards a man standing by what appeared to be the Hudson River. When she found herself next to him, she looked at him and gasped. "Ed!" She threw her arms around him, feeling tears run down her face. "Oh, Ed I'm so sorry. If I had known—"_

_Ed stopped her and smiled. "I know. Why do you think I didn't tell you? I didn't want to forget you, or Noah. I have loved you longer than I care to admit Olivia Margaret Benson. I was starting to lose myself, and I didn't want to."_

_Olivia let out a breath. "I just wish I'd known that our last last conversation was really the last one we'd ever have. I had so much I've wanted to tell you. Ed I love you. And I was scared and I waited too long and now you're dead and I can't—"_

_Ed pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. "I know, Liv. I know you loved me. I felt it. But I'm gone Liv. You need to let me go and see that you have a man that loves you, who has been there through all this for the better part of a year. He loves you, Olivia. And I know you love him. And that's okay. Tell him you love him. All I've ever wanted for you was to be happy. So go, be happy with Trevor. Let. Me. Go."_

_She hugged him tight and before she knew it, he was gone. She stood and looked over the Hudson, tears running down her face. _

Olivia awoke from the dream and sat up, turning to face the man laying next to her. She smiled and caressed his face, standing up and walking over to the window, seeing it was raining. She opened it quietly and went out onto the fire escape, rain pouring over her. She closed her eyes and smiled as tears ran down her face. "I'm okay," she whispered to herself.

Trevor felt her get out of bed and after a few minutes he stirred, seeing her outside on the fire escape in the rain. But for the first time in months she looked jubilant. He got up and climbed out onto the fire escape with her. "Liv?"

She turned and faced him and threw her arms around him and kissed him passionately, the rain mixing with her tears, her clothes and hair were soaked, but she no longer cared. She pulled away and smiled. "I love you, Trevor Langan. I love you so damn much," she smiled and caressed his face.

He brushed her hair back. "How about we go put dry clothes on? Tell me about this middle of the night epiphany, not that I don't love seeing you smile, but this is… a complete 180. I want to hear about it."

Olivia nodded. "But first… tell me. Tell me what you've been wanting to for the last six months. I know already, but I want to hear the words come out of your mouth." She wrapped her arms around him, a chill setting in from the rain.

Trevor looked into her eyes and smiled, kissing her gently. "I love you," he whispered. "Olivia Margaret Benson, I love you so much."

She let out a breath and held him tight, her eyes closed. He wasn't vanishing. This wasn't a dream. This was real. "I'm getting chilly, a warm shower sounds nice." They climbed back into the apartment and shared another kiss, making their way to the en-suite bathroom.

He slowly started taking off her drenched clothes. "Shower or bubble bath?"

Olivia smiled. "Mm, hard call. Bubble bath. But I want to face you. I want to look at you as I tell you all about all of this." She smiled and wiped her eyes. "It's probably going to sound crazy, Trev, and I feel crazy, but at the same time I feel… Trevor, I can breathe again."

Trevor held her and kissed her gently. "How about you get in the bath and I'll get you something to drink, I'll join you when I get back."

She smiled and kissed him again. "Okay." She bit her bottom lip and watched him walk out, she ran the bath and added bath salts and bubbles, lighting some candles and turning out the lights, putting soft instrumental music on her phone, the volume low. She climbed into the bath and reclined, letting the water warm her from the inside out. She closed her eyes until she heard Trevor come back in. She smiled. "Climb in," she smiled and sat up, the water barely covering her breasts.

He sat in front of her, handing her a tumbler of bourbon. "So, tell me."

Olivia took a sip of the bourbon and looked up at him. "I had a dream." She told him about the dream and she paused, looking at him. "I told Ed I loved him. He said he knew, but that I had a man here who loved me. That it was okay to love you too, and that I needed to let him go. He wanted me to be happy."

Trevor caressed her face. "All I've ever wanted was to make you happy, Liv."

She moved so she was right in front of him. "You make me so happy, and you've been so amazing through all of this." She kissed him slowly. "I love you," she smiled and felt his lips move against hers. She ran her hands over his chest, breaking the kiss softly. "Trevor," she whispered looking into his eyes. "Make love to me."

He caressed her face and kissed her softly. "Let's take this to bed." He pulled the plug on the drain, climbing out of the tub and helping her out, wrapping her in a towel pulling her closer to him. "I want to look into your eyes the whole time, baby. I want to get lost in them as I make love to you."

Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around him. She let the towel fall from around her breasts. "Well, what are you waiting for? Take me to bed."

Trevor picked her up and kissed her, walking her back into the bedroom and laying her down. He kissed from her lips to her neck and he heard her let out a sigh, his hand massaging her breast, sucking gently on her collarbone. "God you're beautiful."

She arched her back and smiled. "Oh, Trev," she whispered, feeling his fingers move down her body, pushing into her. "Oh!" She gripped onto him, holding him tightly. "I want you so bad," she whispered, her hips rocking into his hand. "Please," she begged softly. She loved the way his fingers felt inside of her, but she wanted him.

He slowly pulled his fingers from her and licked them clean. He saw her bite her lip. "Mm, so good," he whispered. He looked into her eyes. "Ready?"

Olivia looked up at him, her breath heavy. "Yeah." She felt him slowly push into her and she gasped, gripping his shoulders. "Oh my God!"

Trevor stayed still for a moment, letting them both enjoy the feel of him being inside of her. "Oh, shit," he whispered and moved her hands so he could hold them, seeing her eyes closed. "Open your eyes beautiful, look at me," he whispered.

She opened her eyes and looked up at him. She smiled. "Hi," she whispered and let out a soft moan. "Move. Please. I need you to move."

He started to move slowly and from that moment until both finished it was a montage of flashes. Her back arching, their hands squeezing together, him wrapping one of her legs around his waist, his head dropping to suck on her nipple, her head pushing into the pillow as she moaned. The only time their eyes closed was when he kissed her to swallow the moans that were a little too loud, so they didn't wake Noah. Once they both hit climax, they broke the lip lock they were in to muffle their moans and they stared into each other's eyes, their mouths still open as they panted. "God, baby."

Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him softly, holding him close to her body. "I love you, baby," she whispered, tears in her eyes.

Trevor caressed her face. "I love you, too." He saw a few tears slip from her eyes and he kissed them away. "I've got you. Always."

She smiled and cradled his face in her hands. "Thank you for not thinking I'm crazy or that I'm pink clouding or anything. I just… I've accepted that he's gone, and that I can hold the love I had for him in my heart while falling head over heels in love with you, if you'll have me."

He rolled them onto their sides and hugged her tight. "I know you aren't crazy. And I'm thrilled to hear that you're falling head over heels in love with me, because I've been falling head over heels in love with you for a while. I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't want to scare you, but Olivia Benson, you are the only woman I want. For the rest of my life."

Olivia looked at him. "Are you asking me to marry you?"

Trevor smiled and kissed her forehead. "Not yet. But, I do want to ask if you'll move in with me. You and Noah have pretty much been living here for six months, and I have to say, I've never felt happier. You make this apartment feel less empty and more like a home. So… officially… move in with me?"

She smiled and kissed him passionately. "Yes," she whispered, their lips millimeters apart. "Yes, we'll move in."

He kissed her again and held her tight to his body. "We'll get movers to help bring the rest of your stuff."

Olivia smiled and took his hand in hers. "I should probably go back once while Noah's at school to figure out what I want to bring and then once with Noah to figure out what he wants to bring."

Trevor placed soft kisses on her neck. "Am I invited?"

She giggled. "Of course, how else am I going to decide what lingerie to bring and what pieces to throw out?"

He let out a groan. "That's just torture," he whispered.

Olivia chuckled. "Now, now, I promise you we'll go together," she whispered and looked over at the clock on his nightstand. "We should get some sleep. Noah will be up in a few hours," she whispered.

Trevor kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, baby. I love you."

She nuzzled into him and kissed over his heart. "I love you too, goodnight my love," she whispered and fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.

He was the first one up the next morning, wanting to let her sleep in he carefully slid out of bed, seeing her grab his pillow to cuddle up with and pull the blankets tighter around her. He smiled and kissed her forehead softly and put on his boxers, walking out to the kitchen, making some coffee and starting on breakfast. He saw Noah come out rubbing his eyes. "Hey, bud. Sleep well?"

Noah walked over to him. "Yeah. Dance was a lot yesterday. I'm kinda sore." He shrugged. "We did a lot of leg stuff yesterday. Splits, leaps, all that. I guess I didn't stretch well enough."

Trevor smiled. "How about some breakfast and I'll get you some Motrin? That'll help your muscles."

Noah smiled. "Okay. What's for breakfast?"

Trevor saw him get on one of the stools at the breakfast nook. "Well, I was going to make some special pancakes, maybe with some berries? What do you think?"

Noah nodded. "That sounds really good." He watched as Trevor started making the pancakes. "Is Mommy still asleep?"

Trevor nodded back. "She is. She had a long night last night, I figured I'd let her sleep in."

Noah's eyes were wide with worry. "Is she okay?"

Trevor smiled and folded the whipped egg whites into the batter. "Absolutely, bud. No need to worry, she just needs some extra sleep this morning."

As if on cue, Olivia came out of the bedroom in one of Trevor's shirts and a pair of his boxers, her hair pulled back into a messy bun. "Morning."

Trevor smiled at her. "We were just talking about you," he wrapped an arm around her and kissed her temple.

Olivia kissed his cheek. "All good I hope. You are speaking to my son after all."

Trevor smiled. "Now what would I have to say about you that is anything less than positive and loving?"

She looked at him. "Plenty, but we won't go there," she winked and walked over to Noah and hugged him. "And how are you this morning, sweet boy?"

Noah hugged his mother and rested against her. "I'm good. Trevor is making pancakes."

Olivia looked up at Trevor and smiled, seeing him put the batter into a pan and she looked at Noah. "Noah, do you like staying here?"

Noah shrugged. "Yeah, I mean, I wish I had some more of my things, but I like this place. And my room is a bit bigger."

She chuckled. "That it is." She kissed his forehead. "What do you think about us moving in here. For real? We've been staying here for the last six months. We'd go over so you can decide what you need from our place to make your room here feel more like your room, I'd get my things, and we'd live here. With Trevor." Her eyes drifted back up to meet Trevor's eyes, a coy smile on her face.

Noah looked up at his mother. "But where would you sleep?"

Olivia smiled. "Well, do you remember a few months ago when I was telling you about if I fall in love with Trevor, and how that love would be different than the love I have for you?" She saw him nod. "Well, I've realized that I do love Trevor, and I'm falling _in_ love with him. So if we move in here, I'll sleep with Trevor, like I have been for the past six months. What do you think?"

Noah smiled. "I think… I think we should."

Olivia smiled and looked up at Trevor. "Well, counselor, it looks like we're movin' in." She walked back over to him, seeing him pull the pancakes in the pan out and put them on a plate. She wrapped her arms around him and smiled. "I love you," she whispered and kissed him softly.

Trevor wrapped his arms around her waist as he kissed her back. "I love you, too."

Noah looked on and smiled. He could tell that at this moment, she was happy.

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**A/N: Alright, one more chapter to tie a nice little bow on this story, and then this story will be complete. In the meantime review. By The Book is started and will be updated next.**


	6. Moving On

**Sorry this took so long to update! It's been an insane couple of months, between starting (and as of today, completing) my partial hospitalization program, and getting my wisdom teeth out I've just been wrecked.**

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A little more than a year after Ed's passing, Olivia, Trevor, and Noah had gone out to Long Island, and brought Caroline along. Olivia considered Caroline family, and that was reciprocated by her late, ex-boyfriend's mother. They'd rented a home in East Hampton for a week for the four of them. Trevor and Olivia woke up early and decided to take a walk along the beach. He held her hand as they walked along the damp sand, dressed in their pajamas and winter coats, as the breeze coming off the water made the already cold morning colder. Trevor stopped and turned to face her and he smiled, watching the sun rise. "7:02 AM. Happy birthday, beautiful," he whispered.

Olivia's smile broadened. "Thank you, love." She wrapped her arms around him. "It just started but this has been the best birthday. My family is all together in one spot, I couldn't ask for more."

He caressed her face. "Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I may have gotten you a few things to celebrate."

She kissed him gently, loving the way the stubble on his face had grown out over the past few days of not shaving; the way it felt against her skin as they kissed. "You didn't need to get me anything, Trev. This… this vacation is perfect. All I need is all of us together, that's all."

Trevor took her hand. "Ah, that may be all you need, but you deserve so much more," he whispered. "You deserve the stars and the moon, and everything good in this world."

Olivia blushed and kissed his knuckles. "How about we head back, I'm getting a little chilly. We can make breakfast," she grinned.

Trevor smiled. "We'll go back, but _we_ are not making breakfast. _You _are going to cuddle up under the covers and I'll make you breakfast."

She bit her bottom lip. "As wonderful as that sounds, I want to have my birthday breakfast with everyone. But, if we hurry back, I'm sure we can both climb under the covers… if ya know what I mean."

He picked her up and spun her around as she laughed, before kissing her passionately. "Well, let's hurry back then," he whispered against her lips and they ran back, hand in hand.

They quietly entered the house and removed their coats and shoes and quickly moved into the master bedroom, and he kissed her neck as he stood behind her. Olivia smiled and closed her eyes. "Mm," she turned and took her shirt off, looking at him with a smile. "Nothing like a walk and morning sex to wake up," she whispered and pushed her pajama pants and panties off her body, standing in front of him naked. "You, my love, are too overdressed."

Trevor picked her up and laid her down on the bed. "Not for this." He kissed down her body, looking up at her.

She let out a breath. "Trev, baby," she rested up on her elbows. "I want—" she gasped and fell back. "Oh my God!" She arched her back and moaned.

He grinned. "What do you want, baby? What can I do to make you feel good?"

Olivia groaned. "Exactly what you were doing. Don't stop." She felt his lips around her clit and she let out a sigh. "Oh, right there. Mm." Between his lips, his tongue, and his stubble it didn't take long for her to start writhing underneath him, her moans getting louder and louder.

Trevor smirked and moved so he was face to face with her, his fingers moving in and out of her. "Shh," he whispered. "You know I love hearing you moan, but you need to be quiet, or I have to stop. Do you want me to stop?"

She shook her head. "Don't ever stop," she begged, her back arching. "Please never stop."

He kissed her. "Never plan on it, baby," he whispered against her lips, kissing back down her body, taking his place between her legs and continuing his ministrations with his mouth.

Olivia covered her face with a pillow, letting out loud moans and cries, muffled by the pillow, her hand gripping the back of his head, gently tugging on his hair. She moved the pillow momentarily to croak out, "Trev, I—" she arched her back and felt her body start to shake. She quickly returned the pillow to her face as she let out a scream of pleasure.

Trevor grinned and brought her down and gingerly cleaned her up with his tongue. He moved the pillow and looked into her eyes and grinned. "Happy birthday, sexy," he whispered and kissed her passionately, letting her taste herself on his lips.

She moaned and sighed. She broke the kiss and nuzzled into him. "I don't ever want to leave this bed," she chuckled and closed her eyes. "That was amazing, love," she whispered and took his hand, feeling him wrap the blankets around them both. "Mm," she smiled and kissed his chest. "Perfect."

He ran his hand over her side, around to her back. "You are perfect. You deserve nothing less than perfection."

Olivia kissed him softly and caressed his face. "I'm so in love with you Trevor Langan," she looked into his eyes. "You've made my life exponentially better. You've made my life perfect," she smiled. "Now, I do believe it's your turn to scream into the pillow." She kissed his neck and moved so she was on top of him, assuring her body was covered by the blankets.

Trevor let out a groan. "Oh, Liv," he gripped her ass and felt her bite his ear lobe. "Mm."

She grinned. "Yeah, you like that? Hmm?" She felt his hand come down on her ass and she gasped. "Did you just spank me?" She giggled and moved to pull his pants and boxers down. "Have I been bad?" she whispered and sank onto him, kissing him passionately, moaning as she started to ride him.

He gripped her hips and tangled his hands in her hair. He broke the kiss and let out a groan. "Oh, baby, never bad. You're so, so, so good." He kissed her again. "Ah, fuck, I love you so fucking much, baby."

Olivia let out a shaky breath. "I love you, too. So goddamn much." She moaned and leaned back, arching her back as she felt his hand rub her clit "Oh, right there. Fuck!" She cried and fell forward, kissing him again passionately as her orgasm took over, riding him harder and faster, feeling his release inside of her. "Oh, baby. Mm." She smiled and rested her forehead against his and tried to catch her breath. She heard the door open and felt the blankets cover her up more.

Noah ran in. "Happy birthday, Mommy!"

She smiled and turned her head. "Thank you sweet boy!" She reached her arm out and caressed his face. "Is Grandma Caroline up yet?" She asked gently.

Noah nodded. "She's havin' coffee and watching the news!"

Olivia smiled. "Can you go downstairs and tell her Trevor and I will be right down?" She asked gently. She saw him nod and skip out, closing the door. She looked down at Trevor and giggled. "That was close," she kissed him gently. "Let's put our pajamas back on and go downstairs and have breakfast. We can celebrate my birthday just like this more tonight," she whispered and kissed him again, climbing off of him, and slipping on panties and her pajamas. She watched as Trevor got changed and she smiled appreciatively. "How did I get so damn lucky?" She asked and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him slowly. "The sexiest man alive is my boyfriend, loves me, loves my son…" she rested her forehead on his. "How did I get so lucky?"

Trevor wrapped his arms around here. "No, baby. I'm the lucky one. My incredibly gorgeous, sexy girlfriend loves me, her son, if not loves, likes me, and I get to shower both of them with everything they deserve in this world." He kissed her forehead. "Let's go have breakfast," he whispered and caressed her face.

She kissed him one more time and took his hand and walked out to the living room, seeing Noah and Caroline watching cartoons. She smiled and walked over. "Good morning my beautiful family," she picked Noah up and kissed the side of his head.

Caroline gave her a side hug. "Happy birthday, Olivia."

Olivia smiled. "Thank you Caroline. So far this is the best birthday ever. Just getting to spend time with all of you." She looked at the three other people in the room. Her family. This was perfection.

Trevor kissed her quickly. "I'll make us all some breakfast," he whispered and kissed her temple.

Olivia set Noah down and smiled. "I'll help."

Trevor smiled. "Oh no, birthday girl. Today is all about you, my love."

Olivia looked at him. "You're really not going to let me help are you?"

Trevor tucked her hair behind her ear. "Not a chance." He kissed her again. "Go, hang out with your family," he whispered and walked into the kitchen.

Olivia followed him. "Hey, love," she caressed his face. "Baby, you are my family, too," she whispered. "I'm sorry if I've made you feel otherwise."

Trevor kissed her forehead. "I know, Liv. I promise I do. I just meant that I wanted you to relax with Noah and Caroline. I love you and I want you to pamper you today."

Olivia wrapped her arms around him and kissed him gently. "You promise?" She asked softly. "I don't want you to think I don't think of you as my family. You, Trevor Langan, are the love of my life," she whispered. "And I want forever with you, whatever that looks like," she whispered and kissed him again. "You're the only man I want for the rest of my life."

Trevor picked her up and set her on the counter. "I promise I know you think of me as family. And I want forever with you, too. You're it for me Olivia Benson."

Olivia smiled and kissed Trevor again. "Okay, I'll go sit with Caroline and Noah," she whispered. "I love you, Trevor."

Trevor grinned. "I love you, too, Olivia." He helped her off the counter and watched her walk into the living room and cuddle up with Noah and watch TV with him and Caroline.

Trevor made his special pancakes, and after breakfast, they sat in the house, since it was a chilly day, and played board games and card games. They had sandwiches for lunch and ordered dinner from an Italian restaurant. After dinner Trevor suggested they all go for a walk on the beach. He walked through the sand hand in hand with Olivia and just as the sun was setting he stopped and faced Olivia, caressing your face. "I hope your birthday was amazing so far. We still have presents to open."

Olivia smiled. "Today has been perfect. Thank you, all of you, for making today so special, for the first time I didn't hate my birthday." She noticed Caroline and Noah were looking at Trevor expectantly. "What's going on?"

Trevor held her hands in his. "I've wanted to find the right time to do this, and I thought this was perfect," he pulled a box from his pocket and got down on one knee. He saw her hands cover her mouth and tears Spring from her eyes.

Olivia looked at him. "Wait, hold on. I need to remember every detail about this moment." She looked down at him and smiled, tears running down her face, she looked around and closed her eyes.

Trevor smiled at her. "Olivia…"

She shook her head. "One more minute," she looked up at the beautiful pink and orange sky and then at Trevor. "Okay, I'm ready."

Trevor looked up at her. "Olivia Benson, over the past year and a half you and Noah have made my life so much better. We've had some hard times, but we only came out stronger. And I only loved you more every day. I love you with all my heart. Olivia, will you—"

Olivia couldn't wait anymore. "Yes!" He stood up and kissed her and she cradled his head in her hands.

He broke the kiss and smiled. "Marry me?"

She smiled and nodded. "Absolutely," she whispered and kissed him again. She broke the kiss and looked at Trevor as he slipped the ring on her finger. "Oh my God!" She smiled. "It's perfect,"

He caressed her face. "Just like the woman I got it for," he whispered and rested his forehead on hers.

Olivia looked at the ring and she was blown away, it was a 3 carat colorless, nearly perfectly clear diamond on a platinum band in a double halo setting with smaller diamonds surrounding the main diamond and also halfway down the band. "You didn't have to get me anything, but you got me the best gift… a life together," she whispered and kissed him again. She looked at Noah and picked him up. "So, what do you think, sweet boy? You me and Trevor and Grandma Caroline… the four of us… family. Forever."

Noah smiled. "I like it!" He looked between Trevor and Olivia. "Does this mean Trevor is gonna be my daddy now?"

Olivia looked at Trevor and smiled. "If that's what you want sweet boy. But the three of us are going to live together forever. And Grandma Caroline and the three of us are going to have dinner together at least once a week. Family, that's what I want for my birthday."

Caroline stepped closer. "Sweet girl, you don't have to have your birthday in order to get your family. We're always here. That's what a family is."

Olivia smiled. "We have a pretty amazing family right here, the four of us."

They walked back to the house and opened a couple more presents and then put Noah to bed. Olivia and Trevor stood on the deck looking up at the moon for a couple minutes. "Love, we should head inside, it's getting cold," he whispered.

She turned her face and smiled. "I'll be in, in a minute, okay," she kissed him softly. "Promise." She saw him walk inside and after a couple minutes she felt Caroline's presence next to her. "I miss Ed," she whispered, without looking at her. "I never would have been able to not panic and run into the ocean when Trevor proposed had Ed not made me understand that I was worthy. When I had him wait and I was looking up at the sky, I was silently thanking Ed for everything."

Caroline took her hand. "You deserve all of the good in the world."

Olivia smiled and finally looked over at her, her face wet with tears. "You sound like both Ed and Trevor."

Caroline smiled. "Maybe that tells you we're all telling the truth." She took a box from her pocket. "One more gift."

Olivia opened the box to see a pear cut, rose shaped diamond ring set in yellow gold. "Caroline, is this—?"

Caroline smiled. "I offered it to Trevor to propose with, but he thought it should come from me. It should have been yours years ago. Olivia, you, and Noah, and Trevor are my family."

Olivia felt tears fall from her eyes again. "I feel pretty special to be a part of this family," she whispered and hugged Caroline. "Thank you. This really has been the best birthday ever."

Caroline smiled. "You deserve it. Now, go, celebrate your engagement with your fiancé."

Olivia blushed and they walked inside together. Caroline walked into her room, and once Olivia made sure the doors were locked and the lights were off, she walked up to the master suite and closed and locked the door, hearing Trevor in the bathroom. She walked in and kissed him passionately, cradling his head in her hands.

Trevor felt tears on her face and he broke the kiss softly. "Are you okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Never better."

He wiped her eyes. "Why are you crying, beautiful."

Olivia smiled wider and wiped her eyes and brushed her hair behind her ear. "Because I have everything I've ever wanted," she stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "And for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid of all shattering around me," she kissed him softly. "Because I know it won't," she whispered. "Now," she whispered and took her shirt off over her head. "Bring me into that hot shower and make love to me. Let's celebrate forever."

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**A/N: Thanks for sticking with this story, I hope you all enjoyed. Pretty Woman is coming, I promise. I just had to get this out first. Leave a review! Love you all. See you all soon!**


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